Wow. I don’t know where to start, so I’ll just describe my first few hours in as much detail as I can, I guess.
REPORT OUTLINE (For my sake, not for the reader, unless they find it interesting form some reason):
- CONTEXT (A reference point to put things in perspective)
- Broken up into two sub-section, apparently: Physical and Mental Settings
- Also, why I decided to start micro-dosing.
- TIMELINE (Objective (as possible) hourly report of what happened, not how I felt)
- EXPERIENCE (how notable experiences made me feel, etc.
The context section of this post will be for reference only, in case I (or whoever the fuck else is reading this, for some reason) needs to check something. I’m not sure exactly what/how much information I need to disclose at this point, because I don’t know how much detail this ‘report’ will go into. I also don’t exactly know why I’m writing this, so that’s cool. I think some source mentioned it’s a good idea to record your experience, so I suppose that’s a good reason.
I am an eighteen year old Indian American male (Indian American, not American Indian you ignorant dipshit—the brown people with the funny accents that are good at math, not the ones that white people stole the entire fucking U.S. from). I am a first-year student at a top-tier engineering university, at which I have managed to not only challenge, but re-define my understanding of failure. I have an integral calculus final exam tomorrow evening that I should probably be more worried about, but I don’t generally have a tough time in calculus, so I’ll suppose I’ll just improvise when the time comes.
I’m a little fucked up in the head, sure, but everyone is, if you think about it. With regard to how “qualified” members of society choose to label me, however, I have ADHD and, more significantly, pretty damn bad depression. That said, I’m not a degenerate—our society is simply structured in a way that not only de-incentivizes progress in the direction of understanding mental health, but incentives the discrimination of anyone who doctors believe is just a little too sad for their liking.
Why I started
A culmination of seemingly insignificant events has led to my initially reluctant attempt to actively change something about how I feel. I’ve realized that although everyone wants you to think that there are resources for you to get help, it’s just something they tell themselves for reassurance when they begin to question the nature of their own realities. I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands—if it works, great, if not, great. Don’t want to think too much about that, honestly.
- YESTERDAY (quick recap, again, for reference): Got some shit done, planned to meet friend (who the LSD came from) at 12:00 pm the next day for my first micro-dose. Too fucking excited/nervous to sleep, so I stayed up reading thethirdwave.co and scrolling through reddit.
- MORNING: Woke up with a bad headache, which I attributed it to marijuana withdrawal, as I have been using a ~90% THC vape daily for several weeks and ceased all use two days ago.
- [12:00 PM – 1:00 PM] Met friend for first dose (approximately 1/5-1/6 of a tab), then went to the recreation center to play some pool with him. Also, no classes today because we’re all supposed to be studying for finals (ha).
- [1:00 PM – 2:00 PM] Played pool, etc.
- [2:00 PM – 3:00 PM] Returned to dorm, met up with other friend who had distilled water in which I would soak the remaining ~84μg to administer micro-doses more accurately in the future.
- [3:00 PM – 4:00 PM] What I believe to be the peak of effects. I had a long and unexpectedly productive conversation with one of my close friends. He’s a math major and I think he’s a genius. Sometimes I just go to his room to talk with him about mathematics, I much prefer that to, well, almost any conversation topic. Not just like numbers and stuff you dipshit, nah, the kind of math my friend has introduced me to forces you think about the logistics of your reality in very mysterious, weird ways.
- [4:00 PM – Now] Writing this report and listening to music (Tame Impala, at the moment. One of my favorite bands.)
Finally. Onto the good stuff. Let’s start with how I felt this morning. Like I said, I woke up at 9:00 AM feeling pretty shitty, but I’m 90% sure that’s the CWS. I’ve felt restless and anxious for the past couple days, some of which is safe to assume is CWS, but I also think I was/am exceptionally excited/nervous about micro-dosing. Yes, because I looked forward to feeling the effects, but the main reason I was so excited about micro-dosing was because every source I have read seems to indicate that this may very well a step in the right direction. This one’s tough to articulate, but I’ll try my best. You see, part of the recursive cycle that propagates depression is believing that whatever you do, nothing can change. I’m not going to waste time explaining this. People who understand will understand, and people who don’t, well, don’t. The prospect of micro-dosing makes me think there is hope, which can be difficult to find when you feel so alone.
Now that I think about it, I guess my restlessness hasn’t really gone away. My leg is still shaking and my thoughts are racing (which they always are, so this is likely insignificant). Anyways, pool was fun, but the entire time, I was anxious about when the LSD would hit me. My friend said it typically took 1-2 hours, so I was getting nervous when I thought I didn’t feel anything at ~1:30. In retrospect, however, I do think I felt something, but I was so concerned with trying to detect it, I didn’t notice. Even now, I’m not sure exactly how I feel. If I had to describe the effects of LSD in one word, it would be “meta”. All I am thinking about is what I am thinking about. I expected LSD to heighten my physical senses, which it definitely is, but not nearly as much as my introspection and self-awareness.
Fast-forward to my conversation with my friend. This was the most productive and genuine conversations I have had with anyone. For the first time, I felt like my friend actually understood me. I’m not sure if this was the LSD, the genuine profound nature of the conversation, or both. Honestly, micro-dosing is like self-therapy. Yeah, that’s what it’s like. It feels as if I can address my own thunking from seemingly objective perspectives, so I can analyze and understand the flaws in my own thought process. Meta, right?
I’m not going to go into details about what we spoke about, because I want to try to keep this as concise and relevant as possible. That’s another thing about deep and introspective conversations—they’re not really about “anything”, per se. We spoke about depression and what steps I should take to address it, but what stands out me now is how well he understood what I said. During the conversation, however, I was likely (definitely) enthralled in the discussion and not thinking about how meta it was.
I could go on and on. Bottom line is, the experience is simultaneously tangible and intangible, I know exactly what’s going on, but I know nothing. Most of what I am feeling is too difficult for me to try to articulate, so I won’t, because it’s not worth my time.
Okay, I should probably stop now or I’ll just go on forever. Maybe one of these days I’ll learn to organize my thoughts.